THIS is JUST me

2005-08-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

He seems to have finally understood that I am trying to remove him from my life. He asked me today, if that’s what I am trying to do. I told him I already forgot him. Its so absolutely not right, but this time, I didn’t do the same mistake. Maybe I stood a chance of having him back if I just talked right, right now. But I didn’t. I weighed the pros and cons and I have made the decision.

Today at the picnic, he seemed so sad. Really. He feels bad. I know he does. That’s why he even commented on my other blog. I wanna burst out and tell him, no, its okay, don’t feel bad. I acted like everyone else today. I made fun of him and I played soccer. I kept my distance. I am doing it…..right, seetha? It feels so wrong right now, everything I am doing. I know time will allow me to find out what's wrong and right. He always said that. Time. Time heals everything.

I hinted too much at stuff in my other blog. That’s why he's asking me questions. I wont, anymore. I’ll just be the happy girl.

Thanks to all of you who commented! Your comments are valued and really helpful. They help me scrape throgh it all.

Another frustrating day

2005-08-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

What did I ever do to him? I have never felt like such a loser in my life. I cant take a step ahead, I cant take it back. Why does he have to bitch with me ? everyday, I sit here, frustrated, annoyed and lachrymose. Why me? I know I am short, I know I talk a lot…but …..sigh

I wanna curl up, I wish I had a shell, I wish I could cry out loud, I wish I could let the world know how fucked up I feel . I crave for love , for friendship so hard…..but in the end, it just lets me down. And it’s the same sob story time and again. Why does my mind have to play tricks with me? WHY CANT I JUST LET IT ALL PASS…..WHY DID I EVER HAVE TO GET INTO THIS?

I confess, I am an atheist. Is that why all this is happening to me? Is that why god is fucking my life up? no, I wont conform. I have never done anything wrong….yes, I have …..but it’s the same amounts as everyone else. I dared to love, I dared to feel compassion , I dared to believe that I will adopt one kid no matter what. I have wished so hard for this. I refuse to delete him frm my buddy list anymore. But I refuse to accept that he exists.

All these terrible feelings. For what? Why?

A day with my cousin

2005-07-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

I went to the old age home with hint’s brother yesterday. I got him a position as a volunteer too. when hint hears about it, he wont like it one bit……but that’s kind of what I want. I want him to be mad at me, really really mad. Even though I wished every moment that it was hint I was with and not his brother, even though I look upon his brother as my own……

Then I went to work for 2 hours…then I went to Hawthorne to pick up my cousin. There I met some relative of my cousin who turned out to be a relative of hint. So that makes me and hint relatives. Very very very unimaginably distant relatives. But that didn’t keep me from being excited. The very fact that I was related to hint excited me. If only he knew.

Then, yesterday, I chilled with my cousin. We listened to some 50 cent and watched the incredibles. It was a lot of fun. I had a sleepless night, ‘hint’less nightmares. My cousins staying over for almost 10 days now….i am so happy. That’s all from me for now.

Blah

2005-07-26T06:55:00.000-07:00

I was told that ‘HINT’ had come home the weekend before last. And that he was sick. And that he didn’t want anyone to know that he was home.

You know, sometimes I wonder if he's going through the same trauma I am. But that’s near impossible. He's a very strong guy. That’s what I liked so much about him. There were really very few things that I disliked about him. Even though I have acted like I dislike everything about him, I have to say, he's a really nice person. And I hate to think that I created a bad impression about myself in him. I hate to think that we can never be the same old us again. Not the bf-gf, the friends we were.

I wish we had a decent break up. I wish we would have atleast understood why we broke up. even though I was the one who initiated the break up, I did it only because I felt that maybe, he prefers that. Once, when I told him to remember the date we started going out, he told me ‘ THAT was the day I started carrying a cross’ ……. He told me later that he was only kidding, but well, you know me, sensitive me…sigh…it was just terrible.

Yesterday, I had a dream. I got the letter of acceptance to the college of my choice. Who would I tell ? who would I tell? I wondered, would it be HINT?

No, I thought, no way……If that ever happens, I am going to try my best to make sure that he doesn’t hear it for a long, long time. After all, he was the one who felt that I show off too much. That’s the whole point of my blog. That HE doesn’t hear what's happening in my life. That HE never gets updated on what I am upto. That HE never hears that ever since he left me without even a good bye, I have been going through the worstest, bluest time of my life. But HE doesn’t care. That’s what he always told me, HE doesn’t care.

I know, its not nice to push someone to like you. I guess it might be true that he saw the real me after we started going out. And he didn’t like it. I guess I should accept the fact that he doesn’t like me. Like he said , ‘I’m too good for you’.

I’ll get over him. I have been trying my best to do that. For the past 2 months, I have been trying to get over him. But my mind keeps forgetting the millions of promises I made to myself, about not ever talking to him if I see him online, or not ever talking about him to anyone, or not ever emailing him or not ever dreaming about the good times we had together. It is very difficult, and I know, saying that makes it worse. Writing these feelings down, and knowing that there are people reading it and sympathizing with me, or thinking that I am silly makes me feel vulnerable. Im not talking about my blog friends, because you guys are an entirely different kind of friends. I mean, the friends who I can actually see and hang out with every day. Including HINT. I hate to think of him reading all this. But I have always been the one to express my feelings, just the way I wanted to. Many a times, I have been misunderstood, but that doesn’t matter anymore.

Coz everydays a new day, and every morning, I wake up…..

All over again

2005-07-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

hey guys!

This is the same person, who You all used to know as NK or TIG. I dont want to expand either of the names here, because incase anyone searches for my name or the user name on any search engine, I don't want them to even accidentally stumble upon this blog.

I know that before anything, I need to give you all an explanation about why I am starting all over again. I guess I revealed too much information about myself in my other blog and there where too many people very close to me, including my family , who started bugging me about my thoughts. My efforts in trying to express how vulnerable I felt because of some people, ended up making me even more vulnerable in front of them and things go very messed up. I tried going on a 'blogabattical'....but I guess nothing could really stop me from blogging. From today on, everyone in blogville should refer to me as Nanditha. Even when you comment on my other blog, I hope you DO NOT mention anything about this blog. If you do, I'll simply delete your comment. and BTW, I am not giving the URL of my other blog, because only very few people will be told that I am actually a multi faceted personality. From today on, I am gonna post my deepest thoughts in here, to strangers who care far more than any friend or family did. To my old blogmates, welcome to NK's new blog and to the new readers, welcome to Nanditha's world.